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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.