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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.