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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Remember when the world ended last year?
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?