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If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.