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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.