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People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.