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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?