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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!