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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.