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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.