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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.