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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.