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I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?