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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
They should make Vodka ChapStick
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.