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If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.