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Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
The problem with diets is pizza.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)