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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?