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I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)