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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.