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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
What about a To-Don`t List?
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing