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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.