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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...