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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.