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I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.