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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!