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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool