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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.