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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.