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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.