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I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.