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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?