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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...