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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.