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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D