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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.