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It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!