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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"