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My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.