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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.