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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook