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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.