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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.