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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?