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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.