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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole