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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.