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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.