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I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.