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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment