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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Safe words are for quitters.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
AWESOME!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.