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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"